I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
