Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
