i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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