How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
