My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
