My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
