All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
