an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
