I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you had me at cake vodka
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
