So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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