Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
