after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
