david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
