I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
