Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
