so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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