Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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