I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
