guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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