I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
