phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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