I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
