I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
