Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
