thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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