Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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