its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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