She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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