i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This toilet bowl is my home.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
