i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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