Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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