she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
