Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
