I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
