I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
the raccoons are back...
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