im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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