fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
