Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Someone shit on the floor
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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