her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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