I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
