we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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