Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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