Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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