I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
