Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
