I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
