You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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