There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
