There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
