your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
