my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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