I feel like I'm in dance class right now
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
