awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
