does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
