I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
