Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
