Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
